This Week's Contest: Take any photograph or illustration from today's Washington Post and give it a more interesting caption. Don't send us clips: Just tell us which story it accompanies, and on what page. We don't want any letters! Just e-mail and faxes! We never want to see a letter again. Only an idiot would open a letter. First- prize winner gets a genuine alligator- head letter opener. It is worth $100.

First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. Honorable mentions get the mildly sought-after Style Invitational bumper sticker. Send your entries via fax to 202-334- 4312, or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com. U.S. mail entries have been canceled due to rabid, spit-flying fanaticism. Deadline is Monday, Nov. 12. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post.

Entries may be edited for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised title for next week's contest is by Chris Doyle of Burke.

in which we asked you to come up with life lessons learned from the movies, from TV, from the comics page, from pop songs, or from romance novels. Many people observed that from movies one learns that frumps turn into babes by taking off their glasses and shaking out their hair, and from TV westerns that a six-shooter holds 100 bullets.

{diam}Fourth Runner-Up (from movies): At all speeches, the microphone will squeak once, before allowing the speaker to continue with no further problem. (Alan Hochbaum, Atlanta; Timothy Gotwald, Chambersburg, Pa.)

{diam}Third Runner-Up (from porn movies): All Asians are female. (David Kleinbard, Jersey City, N.J.)

{diam}Second Runner-Up (from comics): Villains with superpowers live only in cities with superheroes. (Joseph Romm, Washington)

{diam}First Runner-Up (from romance novels): No one is named Maxine Fischman or Fred Paczynski. (Mel Loftus, Holmen, Wis.)

{diam}And the winner of the Oral Roberts University key chain:

(From comics): Every doctor in the world, except mine, wears that thingy on his head with the mirror. (Bob Sorensen, Herndon)

{diam}Honorable Mentions:

From Movies

It is impossible to win a sporting event unless you first fall behind by a great amount. After that, it is impossible to lose. (Storm Marvel, Columbia)

Small towns in New England, along with all college campuses nationwide, experience autumn 12 months a year. (Joe Morse, Charlottesville)

If you need advice in a heterosexual relationship, a gay man will have all the answers. (Storm Marvel, Columbia)

A single woman who moves to a small town will discover that the only single man in town is attractive, professional, has a great sense of humor, and doesn't have VD from having been careless with hookers over the years. (Sarah W. Gaymon, Gambrills)

When a man and a woman get very, very mad at each other, it usually turns quickly into passionate kissing. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

In the future, everyone will wear jumpsuits yet no one will look fat in them. (Kelli Midgley-Biggs, Columbia)

If you're the victim of a crime, don't call the police. They are useless. What you need instead is a drifter skilled in the martial arts, or an Austrian vigilante. (Greg Pearson, Arlington)

Rearview mirrors suddenly become invisible when viewed from over the hood. (Russell Beland, Springfield; Gary Patishnock, Laurel)

Eveboedy vit akhsent spik Engleesh lik deez. (Gary Patishnock, Laurel)

Tires squeal on a dirt road. (Tom Bachand, Clifton; Jim Hamann, Frederick)

Someone who looks like Meg Ryan can live four years in New York City without being asked for a date. (Mike Genz, La Plata)

When there is a murderer, wild animal, alien or monster, black people always die first, no matter what country, time or planet -- that is, of course, if they exist at all. (Rashad Horton, Bowie)

Pillow hair is a myth. (Chris Doyle, Burke)

It's easier for one to kill 30 than for 30 to kill one. (John Burton, Herndon)

If you encounter a ragtag team with a terrible record, no good players and an alcoholic coach, bet on it to win the championship. (Mike Genz, La Plata)

Intelligence is inversely proportional to level of education. (Jack Barcheski, Laurel)

When you're chasing a bad guy, the best way to cross the street is (1) get hit by a car and roll, or (2) leap atop the first car you come to and run from car to car on their hoods. Either of these is much faster than waiting for the car to go by. (Jeff Brechlin, Potomac Falls, Va.)

If you shoot a bullet into the trunk of a car, the car will explode. (Michael Biggs, Columbia)

If you cough, you will soon discover that you have a fatal disease. (Mike John, Fort Washington; Fred Dawson, Beltsville)

Nobody wears glasses except scientists and child geniuses. (Mike John, Fort Washington)

From Comics

From "B.C.": Jewish people are okay; they just have a bad religion. (Storm Marvel, Columbia)

Animals do not have genitals. (Roy Ashley, Washington)

African American and Hispanic kids can be unfunny, too. (Roy Ashley, Washington)

Cartoonists draw just as well when they're dead. (Dave Ferry, Leesburg)

Only Canadians age. (Greg Seigle, Vienna)

The more serious and humorless you are, the more facial features you possess. (Greg Seigle, Vienna)

If you run really fast, you can leave a trail of dust even when you're indoors. (Rashad Horton, Bowie)

From Romance Novels

Raven locks are more attractive than black hair. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

Men's shirts in the 18th century did not provide adequate nipple coverage. (John Fiorini, Reston)

No one has sex in a bed. (Dave Ferry, Leesburg)

From Pop Songs

People are constantly running off with other people's babies, and no one calls the police. (Howard Walderman, Columbia)

Never, ever leave your cake out in the rain. (Jon Graft, Centreville)

Michael Jackson is a ladies' man. (Rashad Horton, Bowie)

From Television

All family crises, whether large or small, take exactly 22 minutes to solve. (Ed Gordon, Ashburn)